NBA Playoff Stars As GoT Characters Vying For The Iron Throne

We may see a shakeup in the NBA playoff landscape, just as we may see a shakeup in the powers of Westeros. The Warriors currently hold the crown but going into game seven against OKC, their backs are up against Castle Black’s Wall. So who are the current NBA players vying for the throne and how are they similar to Throne’s power-hungry contenders? Glad you asked.

1. Draymond Green – Ramsay Bolton

Ah, the current power in the North. Ramsay may technically be in control of Winterfell, but don’t forget he was born out of wedlock. Now I’m not sure exactly if Draymond’s parents were married when he was conceived, but after that kick in the balls to Steven Adams, you could definitely classify him as a bastard.

In fact, both men have a tendency to attack downstairs, as Ramsay castrated poor Theon Greyjoy and sent his piece back home to Pyke. All I’m saying is, if the great folks of New Zealand receive a suspicious package, they may want to think twice because it may be Steven Adams’ package.

draymond-green ramsay bolton








2. Kyle Lowry – Jon Snow

Lowry resurrected after two AWFUL games to start the Cavs series (8-28 FG total, 1-15 3pt). He really came to life after a 20-point performance in game three and a 35-point outburst in game four. As the leader of the most Northern squad, we worried we’d never see him again after he got killed (by Kyrie and the Cavs in games one and two.) Holy crap, guys, it’s Jon Snow. You’ve figured that out, right? All I had left was that he got stabbed in the heart by Olly.

I’d also like to think that ESPN personality Rachel Nichols sent Lowry a DM that motivated him before the games in Toronto. That way we can say a red woman caused his awakening.

3. Euron Greyjoy – Bismack Biyombo

I didn’t know Bismack Biyombo was still in the NBA, much like I didn’t know Euron Greyjoy was (still?) a character in Game of Thrones. Euron has come out of total obscurity to make his claim to the throne as the new leader of the Ironborn. Similarly, Bismack came out of nowhere to become a key player on this Raptors squad (26 rebounds in game three).

Biyombo filled in for the injured Jonas Valanciunas, who I guess in this case is Balon Greyjoy. Now let’s just hope Jonas wasn’t injured by being hurled off a bridge, because if so, I think we have suspect number one.

4. Steph Curry –  Tyrion Lannister

Everyone said they were too small to be taken seriously coming out of the draft/womb. But Tyrion staved off execution numerous times and Steph Curry just won back-to-back elimination games.

But now what? Tyrion is stuck in Meereen, where his wit isn’t appreciated, and Steph remains on the brink of elimination. And neither of their fathers can offer help as Tywin is dead (at the hands of Tyrion), and Dell Curry is too busy keeping his eyes on Jason Richards to give Steph advice.

Who knows, maybe Steph really isn’t a Curry, just how Tyrion may be a Targaryen after all. A dragon-born Steph would explain how everyone gets the fuck out of the way when he heats up from the floor.

5. Klay Thompson – Daenerys Targaryen

Klay is the only Warrior keeping things afloat and Daenerys is the only character keepings the Essos storyline even slightly interesting. To my knowledge, Klay has also never been burned from fire so I’m gonna go ahead and say he’s immune to being burnt.

You may also remember that last week Daenerys commanded her loyal assistant Jorah to find a cure for his greyscale disease. I have it on good authority that Klay told Shaun Livingston to do the same (holy shit, was he bad in game six). I don’t know if they used to hoop it up in Old Valyria, but I’d guess the Stone Men were a little long with their jumpers too.

6. Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane – Steven Adams

Loyal servant. Gigantic. Hell of a mustache. Let’s be honest, Steven Adams looks like he was made in a lab to grab rebounds, scare the shit out of opponents, and say really cool things in his accent. Similarly, Gregor Clegane was, actually, created in a lab (by Qyburn to protect Cersei from her enemies.)

steve adams

gregor clegane
The real life “Mountain” and Steven Adams also both sport tribal tattoos.

7. Bran Stark – LeBron James

Bran Stark and LeBron James both have great court vision. Bran’s seen Ned Stark at the Tower of Joy, the reign of Mad King Aerys Targaryen, and the White Walkers creation by the Children of the Forest. He’s the Three-eyed Raven for god’s sake. He knows where everyone is at all times just like LeBron does on the court.

Now I’m not saying LeBron James can warg into Timofey Mozgov to hold off the Zombie Sonics, but I’m not saying he can’t either.

8. Arya Stark – Russell Westbrook 

These kids know how to fight plain and simple. They may be undersized and overshadowed by an older family member (Sansa) or star teammate (Kevin Durant), but their individualism is what makes them stand out. Arya is relentless in her quest to become “No One” at the House of Black and White (she continues fighting even when her sight is taken away), much like Russ is relentless every time he drives to the hoop. Though to be fair, Arya is about to run away from the Faceless Men, but that’s because Jaqen H’ghar’s assassination tactics are basically the equivalent of Scott Brooks with a clipboard.

Both Arya and Russ also can’t control their laughter. Russ laughed at a reporter asking if Curry was underrated on defense while Arya laughed as she watched Joffrey’s death play out on stage.

Let me know if I missed anything or if you think this sucks. Tweet me @OneSideburn.

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