Cousins League Recap: Week Four

Start ’em, sit ’em decision separate the fantasy men from the fantasy boys. I know the Cousins League divisions were carefully designed to keep the old men away from the drinking men away from the astoundingly handsome boys. But age is just a number and sometimes the 22-year-old fantasy owner shows more lineup-maturity than the 63-year-old vet. No, I’m not referring to anything specific. Why do you ask?

Week 4 marked the first BYE week of the season meaning Cousins League managers who spend more time driving Nissans and less time listening to Keyshawn had to make split-second roster decisions that could alter their fantasy fate forever. Tinkering with your fantasy lineup while driving is a lot like texting while driving except with less nude pictures to take your attention away from the road. Though of course if you see Terrence West hit with a questionable and your other RB plays on Thursday Night you may as well swerve into a tree bc that decision is gonna be a real toughie.

Start ’em, sit ’em decisions are a lot like choosing what to eat, in fact. You could go with the steaming hot burrito from the bodega down the street that you know will probably land you on the Physically Unable to Perform list but will undoubtedly give you 15 minutes of joy (Arian Foster) Or try something you’ve never had before that you heard from a few people may be a delicacy but that ends up tasting like a microwaved Yodel (Deandre Washington).

It’s not about forecasting which player has the best chance to score the most points. It’s about closing your eyes and pointing at the screen and being upset when you point to Jamison Crowder, which tells you you need to get on the waiver wire and possibly trade your entire team. But for every stud you bench that goes off, there’s a replacement-level player you start who goes soft.

In any event, let’s rock.

HIT IT, TOMMY!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VXuXBLlfxRo

Wayne vs UDrew

Holy blowout. Wayne walked into the “Grandfather Clock Stadium” and put up so many points I couldn’t tell if he had logged into my account and started adding points from the LM tools. I mean holy cow the dude had 95 points before you could say “hey listen I know this was a fun one night stand and all but it’s 1:30 pm and you haven’t even showered. Please exit the premises.” The Bakes did a great job of “plugging the hole” as the kids say these days with an expert-level free agent pickup of Blake “Wikipedia Club Leader” Bortles. The Great Blake put up 26 points which was good for 3rd among QB and approximately 7 European blowjobs. And I’m not even talking about chatting up British chicks at the bar, I’m talking about blokes from highly-respected domestic news outlets like ESPN praising Blake’s deep ball.

But it wasn’t just Blake who showed Wayne’s managerial prowess. Starting Terrelle Pryor at the flex over Latavius Murray, in what I thought was a bonehead move, proved to be worth pretty slick at Pryor found the end zone for the second week in a row. Add 300, count ’em, 300 FUCKING YARDS from Julio Jones and Wayne literally was up by 87 before 2:00. Quite the week, buddy. But it wasn’t all candy land and tulips. The Baker made a few managerial screw ups that I think must be addressed. First, he started Julian Edelman who I’m pretty sure was on BYE as he managed a meager 1 points in his WR#2 slot. Next, Seahawks D over Bengals D? Hey Wayne, what if the entire Seahawks D got hurt and couldn’t play Sunday and you were forced to take a 0 at the D position. Yes, it would’ve looked a lot like my defensive slot this week, but you would’ve been upset you didn’t play it safe and start the Bengals D on Thursday. See, in the Cousins League points are EARNED not GIVEN matter of factly by me in the “points corrections” department every Wednesday when nobody notices I’m adding 2 yards to Orleans Darkwa’s total. So it’s always prudent and also wise to start a good player on a Thursday when there’s a chance your other options could get hurt before Sunday. Seems to me like Wayne was counting his chickens before they hatched. But luckily for him it didn’t matter because Uncle Drew LAYED AN EGG.

With 49 total points, UD is basically begging me to make a relegation division. This would include perennial Cousins League cellar dwellars like Mike, Sandro, Matt and also previous owners such as Katie, Safat Hannan, and Uncle Steve. I would call the division “the replacements” because you could literally replace any player into their lineup at any time and get a better result. I mean, Uncle Drew, come on. Starting 3 New York Giants vs the vaunted Minnesota Vikings defense? I’ve made better decisions after ingesting a liter of jungle juice at a frat party. And then Uncle Drew parlayed those bad decisions with another Dwayne Allen two-for and an insane start in Bilal Powell. Look, if we all knew Powell would score more than Mike Evans and DeAndre Hopkins combined, we’d probably suggest starting Powell. But that’s because we didn’t expect those two receivers to combine for FIVE POINTS. I mean jesus, did these guys even know it was Uncle Drew’s birthday?

As Wayne texted me in a no-non sense, not sarcastic at all tone: “Tell your Uncle Drew Happy Birthday.” Ouch. That even hurts from here.

USandro vs Mike

Another league member celebrated a birthday Sunday and this time I mean actually celebrated, as Uncle Sandro continued his ferocious attack with a 104-point output that put Mike Smith’s total points allowed at a laughable 491. HURRICANE LUCA improves to 4-0 on the year and is now only 2 wins off pace from his historic 2014 season of 6-7. USandro made a beautiful managerial move in starting Steve Smith Sr. (he had sex) over the injured Dez Bryant and from there it was gravy. AJ Green delivered the good son TNF and Jordan Reed finally got into the endzone, while Luck and Gore crashed the party across the pond. It may have actually been the first time Andrew Luck was invited to a party, since college engineering club formal when he literally invented the party so that he could actually go to a party. Memories of 6th grade Halloween getting throw around by the cool kids like he usually does on Sunday’s with his patchwork O-line haunt Luck’s dreams. But when he’s putting up a cool 17 before Luca is up and demanding a cheese quesadilla for lunch? Well that’s just good business.

You know, it is a little selfish though of Uncle Sandro to host his birthday on a Sunday. While the rest of us were tinkering with our lineups at 12:59 and sending cryptic messages to our opponents to throw them off, USandro was probably getting breakfast in bed and a foot massage only the likes of Rex Ryan would be jealous of. As a result, Rex Ryan brought the house on the Pats, neutralizing USandro’s threat of Blount/Pats D/Gostkowski. But it was still his birthday and for that reason, the rest of his squad showed up. Big win for USandro during the first bye week when usually he only has 3 players total in his lineup.

As for Mike, tough shit. You started Andy Dalton over Russell Wilson. You started Stefon Diggs over Devonta Freeman. You started Chiefs D over literally no D at all. Three bad moves that all combine for a mediocre showing of 77 points. Maybe if you spent less time rejecting really solid trade offers from Chad and more time calling Bill O’Brien to suggest he give the ball to Lamar Miller on the goal line, you’d actually have a chance at getting off the snide. Till then, it’s time to sent 405 more trades to ship Demaryius Thomas. And yes, I’ll be making fun of everyone’s start ’em, sit ’em debacles. I’m busting chops today. You can ask anybody.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgoG27zqt0g

Matt vs Chad

Lots of 1’s on the board for Matt here. So many 1’s you’d think I was at a Cortland frat party. The OWN DADDY did not show up to Snow Pea’s kingdom like he used to show up for TKE mixers. The man they call “Shredder” did not shred Chad’s notoriously porous fantasy defense as he put up a measly 77 and only got that much because of a man named Zeke and bro named Fuller. Fuller sounds like your frat brother who gets you into high jinx but always has your back. On Sunday he was all business though with 20 points on a receiving touchdown and a return score. It’s kind of low key but the Cousins League is a “score points any way you can” league. We don’t advertise our “miscellaneous” categories but you get a 6-spot if your returner takes one to the hiz-house. Which is exactly why Wayne once emailed me a detailed proposal to add punters as potential flex options in our lineups. The plan is still under review.

But the rest of Matt’s team STUNK. Jamison Crowder scored about the same as a shitty New England clam chowder and the artist known as Cameron Artis-Payne completed a disappearing act. On the other side of the rock, Chad’s team was all business. With all starters showing up in suit and tie, Chad had no attire issues on his roster and was able to focus on the important issues– like starting the correct flex. But he done fucked up as Michael Crabtree (who I eerily predicted to have a dope week in last week’s recap) was left riding shotgun with Matt Jones on the pine. But it didn’t matter for the former league champ as once again his skill position players were nasty. DJ, Christine Michael, Jordan “Ryan” Howard, TY, Rudolph– they all put up rather than shut up which is a precedent set forth by their leader Philip Rivers who is known as someone that is more about results (7 kids) than excuses (I drank too much wine).

But still, I’m busting chops and Chad’s chops deserve busting as his two highest point getters were left high and dry while Jordy was on BYE. Hey chad, if you’re not gonna utilize Matt Jones in the backfield or Michael Crabtree over the top, I could use a couple skill positions players that actually have skill. We’ll be in touch. It also looks like you;re in the market for a kicker. I’m not saying, but I’m just saying.

UHowie vs Anj

A huge win by Howie to stay alive in the A Bit Older division, beating nephew Anj who is quietly having a down year. Listen, Anj, I’m not gonna blame it on your girlfriend. BUT, it is possible you’ve had so many Rio Grande margaritas with the Mrs. that you literally can’t see the difference between a “quality flex play” and “Theo Riddick.” And I don’t blame you. The margaritas there are pretty strong and can potentially get the girl into a kinky mood but if you really want some spice in your life you’d let Victor Cruz salsa all over the goalpost. Now that’s how you get a woman excited. By being a fantasy WINNER who makes smart managerial decisions on Sunday mornings, not by showering her with gifts and affection and forgetting you have a REAL gift in Jerick McKinnon on your bench.

Going up in age, I gotta give it to Howie for his 3-1 start. I honestly thought this team was kind of screwed going into MNF of week 1. But then Antonio Brown did a few acrobatic moves that can only be seen in the bedroom IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING a fantasy football victory as he twerked his way to the #2 rated fantasy receiver. But it wasn’t just Brown’s hips that swayed, it was also the entire composition of the A Bit Older division as my expected top 2 teams ( Matt and UDrew) still 3 and 4 games out respectively from the top of the (Todd) Heap. And when Sammy Watkins essentially has to hit the IR because “his feet hurt” and Doug Martin has a “tight hammy” from having too much sex, it takes a tough-minded manager to put in Robert Woods over someone that had only 3 catches on the year in Marquise Goodwin. It’s those extremely difficult calls that give Howie the edge and also Buffalo’s defense destroying New England that helped too.

Chris vs Phil

Just when you think ole Chris has no more tricks up his sleeve, he takes his shirt off and out falls 6 carefully constructed index cards from his armpit. It was the classic bait-and-switch move from newbie Picher as he fooled the entire league into thinking his team sucked by literally telling the entire league his team sucked. But without Tom Brady, it can be argued this team is BETTER than without the “handsome devil,” as roger goodell affectionately calls his friend. Last week it was Marcus Mariota and his 4 points, this week it was Joltin’ Joe Flacco with 21. COOOOOL JOEEEEE raced to the finish line of this fantasy matchup with a big QB-sneak for 6 vs Oakland as the Ravens lost by 1 at home after all of Baltimore stopped watching “The Wire” and started watching football for the first time since Brian Billick told Ray Lewis to “throw that damn suit out.”

This matchup wasn’t as much of a blowout as the score indicated though, as Chris sweated out a victory Monday night just as he sweated out 3 tons of booze and bad decisions Sunday night. Carlos Hyde, Mark Ingram and A-Rob (the non-drug user, according to officially sanctioned Cousins League drug testing protocol) led the charge with 13, 15 and 11. With a late Kelvin Benjamin touchdown (Draft Kings, baby) and a Vikings D that hasn’t allowed more than 16 points all year, it was curtains for Phil in week 3 even though he did all he can in starting a guy with a big dick according to his wife in Eric Decker. Now Eric Decker may not have been productive ON the field Sunday but he sure as shit was productive off of it as he probably had lots of sex Saturday night in order to stay fresh and potentially convince Bunny Colvin-look alike Todd Bowles to alive him into Hamsterdam AKA the New York Jets tailgate lot where literally anything goes.

https://twitter.com/TheFakeAlbert/status/782982267966787584

https://www.instagram.com/p/BLETSekjJVx/?taken-by=xostephybabyyxo/.

But Decker (and his dick) were confined to the bench and Ryan Fitzpatrick was confined to only throwing dump offs to Bilal Powell on 3rd and 16 or throwing interceptions to Dick Sherman. Luckily Odell Beckham and Kevin White stepped up right? Nah, they sucked, especially Odell who threw up 2 points, a girly tweet, and potentially a steep future therapy bill as Xavier Rhodes purchased a small-scale condo in his brain. The Vikings D stopped Odell in a poetic justice win for newly-single Chris Picher who, like Eric Kendricks and Anthony Barr, now knows how to play the field.

In other news, Le’Veon Bell returned from his CFFL-sanctioned 3 game suspension just in time to get totally outshone by Matt Ryan and his 503 yards. Yeah, Le’Veon put up 144 but if you smoke a bunch of weed his runs actually look slower and his cuts look less precise– which is just how Le’Veon would you want to watch his game. Thus, his stock is lower than ever and I wouldn’t be surprised if Phil trades him for a mid-tier level defense and another guy with the last name Matthews or Mathews.

UHowie moves ^ in the power rankings, as Phil drops.

Zach vs Mars Quaid

And now for our featured matchup. 74-74 in a battle of will and willpower in the form of old timer Cousins League member Zach and up and comer Doug. You see Doug just doesn’t have as much fantasy life experience as Zach. He doesn’t have years of experience making tough flex decisions while on the john. He’s never had to kick out a league member because of circumstances out of his control. He’s never had to improve league morale after one of its members drafted a retired player in round 2. It’s traits like these that give me an advantage over the field. Listen guys, my team sucks. It blows chunks. It’s garbage wrapped in garbage thrown in the dumpster because it smells too bad to sit in the garage. But it’s years like this we’re the big boy managers show their heat and I for one can’t believe I sit in second place in my division right now with my roster. I’ve literally dropped 3 of my first 4 draft picks and the other one (Jamaal Charles) has 0 points total. But I’m not done yet. Even if I made some bonehead decisions this week.

As league member Chris Picher astutely pointed out to me, I would’ve won had I started Derek Carr or John Brown. Uhhh yeah no shit Chris, I also would’ve won had I started Jacob Tamme over Dwayne Washington, Eric Ebron over him or LITERALLY ANY OTHER RB/WR/TE THAT WAS ON WAIVERS WHO SCORED A POINT. It’s revisionist history, dude. It’s easy to sit on your couch and watch Derek Carr throw 4 touchdowns and then say “man, I really would’ve started Derek Carr.” I would’ve too, bro, but I made a call to go with Dak and by God if Dak didnt lose 7 yards on kneel downs I would’ve won this matchup.

So yeah, I give a lot of flak for managerial decisions. But sometimes you do what you think is best and you just get fucked. Kind of like the opposite of my high school prom career.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYVO5bUFww0

Now the Cousins League is a “get better or get worse” sort of league. It’s not the type of competitive environment where owners can afford to get lackadaisical (smart word for not benching Matt Stafford for Big Ben). You either get better or you get worse. You never stay the same. You never score the same exact number of points in back to back weeks. And you for sure NEVER TIE.

Well actually sometimes you do tie. Because the CFFL rule book is as antiquated as the Catholic church’s views on marriage and by that I mean we only allow gay owners in certain divisions. I’m kidding of course, we’re an “all inclusive” forward-thinking modern sort of establishment. But in the rule book which was created by our first commissioner– no sort of regular season tie breaker was established leaving the Donovan McNabb’s of the world confused and bad at spelling in his tweets. Okay you got me, he was bad at spelling to begin with but in all seriousness I don’t actually hate the tie rule. Yes, it could be argued that we should switch to a points system that adds .1 pt per 1 yard. But won’t that take out the fun out of rooting for your RB not to lose one rushing yard late that brings you from 50 to 49 yards and from 7-5 to out of the playoffs?

Back to the matchup, it’s hard to see where these teams are going when they played each other and nobody win. Makes me wonder where both teams hearts are at. Wouldn’t you rather just sit every player and lose then get a participation trophy “1” in a third column of your record that isn’t even real? I know I would.

As for Doug he seems upset that he didn’t start Ben since Ben got so many points even though to me it was just kind of a brag that he drafted someone that got a lot of points in one week. Actually he didn’t even draft Ben so it’s even more of a brag that he didn’t have to do any of the heavy leg work– like prepare multiple fantasy football draft sheets and ignore his wife while drafting one Tuesday night.

But to Doug I rebuttal: If you started Big Ben you would’ve won but you wouldn’t have had as much fun watching MNF to see Orleans Darkwa make you regret NOT starting Big Ben. That’s what they call circular logic and you know who else starred in circular logic? Ghandi, cause he said don’t kill me but then got assassinated during prayer session just like Ben once lost all mobility in his left foot while talking about scrambling for a first down during a film session. The parallels are crazy here, folks. You just got to read between the stats.

It’s time for week 5, baby.

-Commish

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